Merson has opened up on his mental health struggles in an interview with Heroes Have Heroes about how he has struggled with addiction, anxiety and panic attacks throughout his time as a player. The 57-year-old has spoken openly about his gambling addiction in the past and even wrote a book titled “hooked” where he was brutally honest about how gambling destroyed his life.
Merson's struggle with mental health
It is no secret that Merson has struggled on and off the pitch but his recent interview delves into how much the iconic playmaker suffered through his mental health for decades, often by himself.
“I had real bad panic attacks,” said the 57-year-old. “Anxiety is a massive part of this life we live in today. And I don't think people understand enough how many problems it causes and what it stops people doing. It stops people doing stuff, it stops them in their tracks.
“The message I would give to people with anxiety is you're not alone. There is help out there and seek help, please. And your life will become so, so, so much better.
“Everybody gets bad days. You know, I get bad days there. I'm not going to lie of course I do. But they get well outweighed by the good days.”
Merson wanted to be anyone but himself
He revealed that he hated himself entirely, often wondering why many people idolised him and wanted to be in his shoes. Merson is an Arsenal icon but at the time he felt he was a failure as he went through battles with mental health on a daily basis, often wanting to be somebody else.
“My life was such inner turmoil. I never really got overexcited (during my playing career). I couldn't be in my head, it was like a washing machine. I wasn't well. I wasn't well. And I never got to appreciate things.
“When I look back on my career now, that's the pinnacle to play in the World Cup. I don't mean it's flashy, please don't think I am, but everybody wanted to be Paul Merson and Paul Merson didn't want to be. That was the worst feeling in the world, you know.
“I hated being me. Every person I ever met, I always wanted to be that person. I'd come away and go... I wish I was like him, I wish I was like him.
“I hated being in my own skin. I used to scratch myself to death, like I used to hate it. Put this in perspective, I'm playing for Arsenal, they were the one of the biggest clubs in England, we were winning stuff and I was playing for England.”
“I had everything at me feet. As I said, a lot of people wanted to be Paul Merson. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself. I was lucky, some people just don't get away with it.”
Mental health can affect anyone
Merson has struggled with alcoholism, cocaine and gambling addictions. However, he is now completely sober and enjoying time with his family. He admitted that mental health can affect anyone, no matter how successful they may be.
“I know I'm a good person now,” he says. “But there's people out there now that are living with this, with addiction, don't know they're addicted and they've gone through so much pain.
“I've been in treatment twice, you know. I never got it because I didn't go in for me. And I always say, hate the addiction, don't hate the person. It could be anybody. It could be a dustman, postman, a builder, a professional footballer. It takes anybody.”