Big in New Zealand: Reporting from England on NZ Radio

As I struggle to surface early on a Sunday morning to prepare for my live radio appearance, my wife will open one bleary eye, look across and say, "You've got a good face for radio," then fall back asleep.

I did have the option of recording my part of the show, but that would have meant getting up even earlier.

So I had a choice – the safety of pre-recording or an extra hour in bed and the dangers of live radio. The arms of morpheus won.

It all seemed such a good idea some four years ago when tribal was approached by Andrew Dewhurst of Radio Sport (www.totalfootballshow.co.nz) in New Zealand to appear in a segment of his programme, the Total Football Show (www.totalfootballshow.co.nz), broadcast every Sunday evening from Auckland between 8.00pm – 9.00pm.

I can never get used to Andrew describing the previous Saturday afternoon's top flight games as yesterday evening…

Already you will see my difficulty…time difference. Factor into that daylight saving time in Britain and New Zealand and there are times when confusion reigns over what time I'm on air.

Put simply, in winter I have a 7.00am alarm call, whilst in the summer I get a lie in until 9.00am.

Through the wonders of an internet radio I can now listen to the show and know when I am about to be called.

Interestingly, I can tune back in after I've finished and find I'm still talking!

There is obviously a delay on live broadcasts in case I say anything untoward, like 'Arsene Wenger is only human' or 'Ashley Cole, a role model for all.'

I usually get the call from the studio a couple of minutes before I'm due on air and get to listen to the sponsors of my slot. At one stage I had a jingle for the 'The Tool Store', the Kiwi equivalent of B & Q, preceding me, then I went upmarket and had 'Lufthansa' airlines.

Currently though, I appear to be sponsorless.

Dependent on how much time I'm allocated my length of time on air can be anything from 5-10 minutes.

Understandably, you might be wondering what we talk about. After all this is New Zealand, the land of cricket and rugby, with football way down the pecking order.

Whilst this might seem a stereotypical view there is some truth in it, but slowly football is coming more to the forefront of New Zealand sport.

The national team have qualified for the World Cup finals for the first time in 30 years and their A-League representative, Wellington Phoenix, are through to the end of season play-offs.

There are now more All Whites players in the British game than ever before with Ryan Nelsen leading the way in the Premier League at Blackburn Rovers.

So basically my remit is to discuss about five news items which have arisen in the previous week regarding the Premier League or general football pieces.

I'm introduced as an international correspondent which slightly stretches the role, but Andrew and I often whinge about Messrs Blatter and Platini so that gets us off the hook.

Not that the talk is all serious. The subject matter might be, but it is treated in a humorous manner.

Andrew is a keen Aston Villa supporter and takes great delight in mocking my Blackburn Rovers credentials and our recent inclement weather.

I take it all in a professional manner and simply make a mental note to 'accidentally' kneecap Nelsen.

Whilst Andrew is the host of the show there are times when a substitute presenter stands-in.

One of the most memorable moments was with a certain Miles Davis who I had been warned beforehand was a 'cockney wide boy' who could be a tad outspoken.

Certainly Miles was straight out of central casting when it came to his cockney accent and fervent support of West Ham.

Miles was more at home on late night programmes where his forthright style was perfectly, if only just, acceptable.

Perhaps he forgot about the 'watershed' – we had been discussing Sven Goran Eriksson leaving his England post and when I mentioned there was talk of him returning to manage in the Premiership, Miles never missed a beat, saying: "We don’t want that t**t back!"

Unsure about whether to respond in kind, and potentially ruin a burgeoning radio career, I lamely replied, "Well, it's a point of view."

Other times I had stand-ins, who on their own admission were not fully knowledgeable on football. And I had to explain the subject of qualifying for European competition.

I started off well until we got into the intricacies of clubs winning Cup finals and also finishing in the top six, or the title holder winning any of the cup finals, and which European competitions take precedence over another and how even losing finalists can qualify dependent on which team defeated them.

By the time we got onto qualification via the European Fair Play league, I'd lost the will to live.

Not that we are always studio bound. Andrew takes his show out on the road, mainly around New Zealand although we have been known to cross the Tasman Sea for Australia.

I'm sure it's more than just coincidence that the venue chosen are licensed to sell alcohol.

I know this because as I'm waxing lyrical on the odds of Rafa Benitez lasting until next season, I can hear raucous voices in the background, clinking glasses and one armed bandits paying out.

Okay, I exaggerate, but I do know they aren't listening to me!

And remember I'm doing all of this barely half-an-hour after getting out of bed – it's just not natural.

Sometimes I'll retire back to the conjugal container to be greeted with, "Lucky they can't smell your breath."